Jessica: Conflicts and Conflict Resolution

Tell me if you’ve ever experienced something like this:

Student: Teacher, Guy called me stupid.
Guy: Only because Student said I was a jerk.
Student: But he took my lunch spot.
Guy: I got to the table first.
Student: No, I got to it first.
Guy: No, I did!

(a quick glance at the lunchroom shows a good 20 empty seats)

Name-calling and petty arguments are the types of conflicts that most commonly occur at my school, and they are difficult for a third party such as myself to resolve. This is because of emotional investment.

For the students involved, one of them is right and one of them is wrong—and by golly, there is no middle ground. Because I happen to be the nearest teacher, I’ve been pulled into their argument and asked to judge it. These are my options:

Option A: I could choose to be the judge and weave through their contradictory versions of what happened and decide which one of them is right (a surefire way to upset one of them).

Option B: I could choose to send them back to whatever they were doing, separately, and then watch them like a hawk to make sure the conflict doesn’t happen again (a surefire way to end the conflict—until tomorrow).

Option C: I refuse to be the judge and tell them to resolve it among themselves (a chance for children to flex and strengthen their conflict-resolution muscles).

Allowing students to resolve their own conflicts is allowing them to develop social coping skills that they will need at home and in life. One of my fellow teachers would hold a weekly classroom meeting that the students ran themselves. They voiced frustrations they’d experienced that week and then the class discussed ways to address them.

I like this type of approach because it puts the power of conflict resolution in the hands of the students. Of course, sometimes teachers have to get involved, such as when certain conflicts keep occurring or aren’t resolved appropriately, or when bullying is taking place. Schools are under the microscope right now to put a stop to bullying, which is I completely agree is important. But I hope that in our fervor to protect students from bullying, we don’t strip them of the opportunity to resolve their own conflicts. We won’t be doing them any favors if we never let them resolve anything on their own.

What do you think? Do you handle every student conflict that comes across your path? How do you determine which conflicts students can and should resolve on their own?

Comments

[Kaylee]

Bullying and arguments are tough situations no matter if it's in school or not. I think it is very important for students to learn to handle their own situations. However, if they don't have the proper skills, then they will not truly solve the problem. Usually the louder or more intimidating person "wins". I think it is important to step in, but to take a more subtle role. Guide the interactions and conversation instead of telling them how to act. Giving them tools and strategies while they are in real situations is the best opportunity for us as teachers to step in and teach them the skills they need. As they seem to be building up their skills, the adult can take further steps away from the situation. The goal is obviously for the students to be able to handle arguments on their own, but they need to have the appropriate skills and guided practice. Sometimes they are not seeing appropriate modeling of how to solve disagreements in their life. Sometimes we are the only adults that can show them and teach them these skills. I think it's great to see everyone on this blog caring about teaching their students the skills they need instead of only being annoyed with the arguments. These are great opportunities for us!

[Mariah Panic Attack Treatment]

As William Ellery Channing (an American moralist, Unitarian Clergyman and Author, 1780-1842) once said: “Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.” I agree with you, Jessica: it is best to put the power of conflict resolution in the hands of the students, getting involved only when neccesary. As the saying goes (unknown author): “May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.”

[Jessica]

Renee, what a great suggestion! Thanks!

[Renee]

Hi Jessica, I encounter conflicts on a daily basis. I teach 3-5th EBD self-contain.

I found one way of resolving a conflict (especially when I don't know who is right or wrong) is to ask both students involved, what could they have done differently? I explain, it takes two people to be involved in a conflict, so I need to know if they could start all over, what would they do so that the outcome would be different? This strategy works 98% of the time.

It make take a little time for each student to admit there was something they could have done differently, but I take the time and let them "cool down" and think about it. Almost always students are able to come up with a positive response.

[Jessica]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.

Ken, you've given me a lot to think about. At a small school like mine, students are quick to bring minor conflicts to the teacher's attention. However, because of that, I probably downplay the ulterior motives of some of these minor situations. I too have had situations where I thought the conflict would be resolved between the students only to realize that it did indeed require adult intervention. I hope I can make the appropriate call down the road.

Tom, I love the sound of a peer mediation program. At the start of last school year, the school psychologist and I went around and presented to all of the classroom about the differences between conflicts and bullying and how to handle both. We play-acted several examples and then had the students all sign contracts to not bully and/or put a stop to it if they see it (the younger students colored a picture). We only did it at the start of the year, though. I think it would be a good idea to do it at the start of each trimester.

LaTrecia, Thanks for commenting! I think you have a sound approach, and it's not that I'm against separating my students -- I just want to make sure that my separating them is not the only resolution I bring to the situation. They have to still work it out.

[LaTrecia Carson]

As you know, I am the mother of two boys, a 5yr old and a 3yr old, and I see this action in the house, pretty regularly. For the most part, since they are my own children, I will let them work it out for themselves, for reasons you mentioned, and usually they do. Of course, Mr. Stegall is right, I KNOW my own children, and know when I need to step in. If they can't figure it out, then MOM takes over.

As for my classroom, it's a little different. Not only am I the teacher, but sometimes, I'm the mother too. I'd probably use both Options B & C. Because of the Bullying issue, you should step in. Talk with them about the issue at hand and resolve it. Most likely by separating them. I would also try and determine if there are any other issues that may be lurking.

Again, because Bullying is in the forefront of our daily lives, I just don't think you can ignore the situation. Yes, kids will be kids and they are fighting for their spot, but we still have to monitor what goes on in the classroom, the lunch room, and the hallways to try and make a safe and civil environment for our students to learn in, play in, and eat lunch in.

[Tom Keating]

One question might be whether students are being taught conflict resolution skills ahead of time and what the role of other students might be. I have twin ten year old boys and in their elementary school, there is a peer mediation program in place that trains volunteer students in conflict mediation skills beginning in 3rd grade. Students who complete the training then take turns being available as student mediators at different recess periods or on a request basis. I think the program has been effective both in helping students solve problems and more generally in supporting a school culture that rejects bullying or fighting. I like the idea above for student-run weekly meetings too.

[Ken Stegall]

In my experience most of the conflicts that escalate to my notice (usually subsequent to a counseling or office referral) have an element of bullying involved. Moreover, the manifest conflict ("whose seat" is it) is not necessarily the root of the issue (relational aggression, power cliches, etc...) Most conflicts that draw adult notice are those that aren't easily resolved between parties of equal social standing. There has been occasion where I thought students might work it out, but the conflict continued because the bully intended to carry-on until adults intervened effectively. If your question is "Should kids be allowed to work things out in the absence of bullying without meddling adults"---of course they should. Many such petty squabbles are reolved everyday without adult intervention. Bullies, however like to use the cover of such simple conflicts to disguise their real motives and that is where "knowing your students" and being sensitive to what is really afoot matters. Rely on this...you won't be told what is really going on by either party in instances of bullying unless you are really tuned in and asking the right questions.